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Open letter to my dad

2

Dad,

This is your daughter. Not the little one who was 6 years old which thou hast forsaken, but who has been a woman for some six years now. I remember the day when you left the house after a long argument with Mom as if it were yesterday. A conflict which I was sure had a lot to do with me. I did not understand right away that you would never come back, on the contrary every night I went to bed hoping to see you the next day. I hoped for about 10 years. At 15 years old, I kissed a boy for the first time. I know you would strangle him if you were there…. This is where my life took a twist.

The boy I am talking about does not take long to find other girls less fearful and more fulfilled than me. This has not been easy, but I had to live with it and continue on my merry way.  At the dawn of my 16 years of age I met a new boy. He was more mature than I was, he gave me my kiss baptism… He was 5 years older than me, for a moment I felt safe with him, his attention was almost comparable to yours, and he always took the time to call me to know  how my day was and stuff. He would come to my house me to help me with homework. You would have enjoyed that part of him I am sure. That lasted about 2 years. I was happy for a while but I had some bitter moments and I started thinking of you, and everything you had promised me. You said you would not let any man make me cry, break my heart, but I cried so many times, sometimes for the man I loved, sometimes for your absence which weighed heavily in my teenage life. Dad, guess what, he left with another woman more mature and more fulfilling than me. He kindly reminded me while leaving that he would always consider me as a little sister.

At 19, I was determined to grow and draw a cross on my past helplessness. As time passed and I matured, I have not stopped to think about the man who walked out of my life 13 years ago to never come back. I think the wound is still open to this day. I became this strong girl, but bruised inside. Dad, I met a third man, this time it was much more intense. Not to lie to you, but I stopped thinking about you for a long time, he took all my time although he lived away from me. All my thoughts went out to him. We spoke every day and every night, gazing at the stars or the moon. No need to tell you that there was not any room for you in this little heart full of happiness, tingling joy, and love. Many days passed, I was in my little world with my boyfriend who lived at the other end of the earth, this man taught me to love and believe in his love.

But as you know, your daughter’s joy is fleeting, my love has left with another on the eve of my 20th birthday. I shed my first tears in the quiet midnight. I cursed my naivety, this intense love that was eating me like a cancer in the final stage and my first question was “Dad where are you?”

At that moment I did not know if I cried due to the betrayal of my Romeo or if I was crying because of your absence in my life. All I know is that I entered adulthood deeply bitter. I cried until I was disfigured, cried at the absence and the betrayal of a man for 14 years and another for some hours. Solitude became my first nature, I was both the one that needed to trust, and the one that listened to the confessions but gave no advice. One thing is certain, my tears, disappointments, and betrayals have made me stronger. You were on my mind for a year.  Until the day I came across a charmer, a man like no other, who knew how to become my friend and then make me lose my head. I fell in love and I realized that I could not escape my feelings. Once again, I let go without really stopping to think of you. However, in no time, you disappeared in a small fire in my mind and in record time this man settled in my heart and mind. I made some great things with him. I had some less pleasant days too. I dealt with the “I have not stopped loving her.” But a day arrived and he had to make a choice that had nothing to do with me. Sometimes I think you left with a piece of my heart, often searching for a logical explanation why the men passing through my life always end up escaping as you did 19 years earlier. I wondered if you had not thrown me out without being aware.

Dad, in a few short words here is my idyllic course. I have spared you some details to avoid my story being too long. But one day I promise I’ll tell you everything in detail if ever life allows us to cross paths again. Meanwhile, know that I love you as much as the day you gave me this gold pendant on my fifth birthday, I always will.

I love you, Dad

Warm regards,

Miss Regina C

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