You won’t probably ever receive this letter, you might take it as a desperate act to have you back. Well, it is not. It’s just me writing and expressing my feelings…
First of all, let me say that I love you, yes I L O V U as you used to say, with every inches of my body. My feelings for you are strong, deep and surprisingly genuine. My love is sincere and real. The roots of these sentiments are deep and they kept on growing even more when you let me hanging and turned your back on me. I never could possibly imagine I could fall in love with you this way, it was unplanned.
At first, I saw you like others do, strong, bold, and cold. Even then, there was something about you that had me always searching for your presence. Maybe it was that you stand out of the crowd. You’ve amazed me with the way you carry yourself and back then I’ve secretly admired for a while you I guess.
When we started getting closer I started to get glimpses of your dark side. It shockingly made me even more attracted to you complex being. With you I discovered love, pain, passion, resilience… all this with a troubled and utterly interesting man. With you, I could me be me, we could be us, makeup-free, no mask was necessary. We both allowed each other to be.
After we fell for each other, everything went pretty fast. We were like happy children enjoying those amusement park’s pony rides. Yesterday nor tomorrow bothered our present. We did the rides many times, shared our stories, exposed our feelings and questioned them. Our fears for the future diminished and look miniscule next to our immense love. We forgot about all the rest…
It was brief, if we are calculating it time wise but it was a lifetime of intense love. At least to me it was. You showed me how much you needed me, how you wanted my love. I entirely invested myself in this relationship. I am a very passionate person, I put all my heart in everything I do. At that time you were my everything and I was overly passionate about it.
And then you stopped… You completely cut me off your world. You would only talk to me if it was not related to our LOVE. Those amazing feeling we both shared seemed have disappeared in an eye blink. You became distant, you got back to being the person you told me you were before. A cold, calculated, heartless motherfucker …I was no longer your Sunshine and you had darkened my soul.
How could I deal with your coldness when the person I knew and loved was so warm to me. You were a caring person, you homed a touching and loving soul. How can I deal with the calculated man you have become? What happen to the spontaneous person I knew?
I knew someone that made my feelings his priority. I want to cry out loud, screaming that I love you. I wanted us to stay the way we were but you had already set your shield and covered your ears. You won’t hear me, it does not matter too since I was never looking for your pity but for your love. One could offer the world to someone but if they are not interested in it, it would mean nothing to them. They might use the resources but once they are done, they would go where they feel good and safe.
Have you hurt me? The way you acted certainly did. I still think you could have had the decency to talk to me clearly; When I at last talked to you, you told me you are not risking a thing so you wouldn’t get hurt. Excuse me, but since when have you become a coward? The way you’ve conducted yourself so far with me screams the opposite of what you’ve pretended to be… However my love is too beautiful and too real not to be worth you getting out of your comfort zone.
I don’t know whether I have been played or not. At first sight, I would say no because I could feel and was convinced by your words… You touching my body and soul was a lifetime experience that helped me experience other dimensions of my womanhood. On the other hand maybe you were just acting like so many people do. I will probably never know and never be able to figure out what happen. It all went too fast.
My head is still spinning on the roller coaster ride you’ve put me through. I got to hold on tight to what matters to me so I can keep on moving. I got to hide my pain and retain my tears.
I do not regret a thing; I have remained true to myself through it all. I showed you my true colors. I do not regret because I have given my best shot at that relationship. I do not regret because I felt the sparkles that come with a blooming heart pop on my chest; my heart raced in my chest just hearing to your voice. Call me crazy but if I had to do it over, I would probably do…maybe differently, but I would because it was special.
Do I hate you? Oh no, I can’t. I am using your time in my life differently to remind me of the power of a simple gesture to a heart craving for love. Am I mad at myself? None of us have yet the power to travel through time so I could have not predicted it would end in such a sad way. Nonetheless, I am happy to have meant so much to you in such a short period of our lives. I will forever love you but now I am teaching myself to accept and respect your needs, your limits. I will accept you, perhaps even still love you; however, my values will never be compromised by your calculated self.
It feels good writing this, it really helps…I was a bit skeptic at first, scared not knowing where it would lead but it helped… If it’s needed, I will do it again. Who wouldn’t do what they have to do to feel better? You are still under my skin; right in front of me and very present in my heart…Time is my best asset in this journey, I will use it wisely. “I L O V U”, now I am thinking about it, you were probably saying it because you were shy or for my feelings to last longer, or you were just lying all the time.
Anyway, Ciao Amorcito, it’s been good!
Comments